But even well-schooled totally-cultured and distinguished gentlemen cannot pretend to have all of the answers to all of the questions that this crazy world has to offer.
That’s why we’ve brought in some help from our favorite wine-guzzling, curse-word-spewing, Biggie/Tupac-listening Mommy Blogger to help sort out some of the most fucked up shit that our readers write in to ask. If you are afraid to chat to your own wife, girlfriend, partner, paramour about it, have no fear because Rachel from Whine & Cheez(Its) is here to drop some knowledge bombs on your ass.
When Rachel and DaddyMindTricks first formed a team like Raekwon and Ghostface Killah on a dope Wu-Tang joint, we pulled no punches on this whole truthiness about parenting in the 21st Century. Read all about that here: Great Expectations (in Fatherhood).
In a feature that has been long overdue, we’ve joined forces yet again. In what could be a colossal mistake, we’ve decided to open up the vault into the minds of our most passionate fans in the potential beginning of the end … or at least the beginning a regular feature that promises to be Dear Abby with much more inappropriateness and straight up real talk.
You ask. We attempt to answer. And then Rachel provides the feminine point of view that we all truly need in our lives. Welcome to … Yo! Momma.
After a few weeks of the post-pregnancy moratorium on our sex lives, we finally have the green-light to get it on again, but my wife isn’t back on birth control yet. What kind of condoms do you recommend for “her pleasure?”
– Daniel, Missouri
Pete: Dude. Are you really even ready to go back to the scene of the crime? Hopefully you weren’t dumb enough to peek at the business end of the delivery, because we’ve warned you before about how much of a straight up murder scene it is down there. But hey, I get it, too. Men definitely have that primal urge to get back on the saddle sooner rather than later. So, if you are ready to revisit the extracurriculars in the bed and enjoy some of that sex after pregnancy fun, open up the line of communication, chat with the baby mama about her fears and concerns and take it slow. As for the condoms, let’s just go ahead and bust your bubble that no one needs the extra large Magnum XL variety, so just stop with that pipe dream, Ron Jeremy. Instead, make sure you find one that has some extra bells and whistles for her … and even more importantly, lube. The hormones involved with pushing watermelons out of spaces the size of grapes takes a toll on that region and some additional assistance in the lubrication may be preferred. At the end of the day, though, kudos to you for thinking that you actually have the time and energy to get it on again in between the newborn diaper changes and feedings.
Rachel: First of all, slow your roll. Your wife just created a human and then either squeezed it out of an insanely small space or was gutted like a fish to take it out by force, protected only by a barely opaque surgical “curtain” all while wearing an ugly shower cap, no makeup and having a million hands up in her business. And then you brought the screaming bundle of joy home and she became a human cow or master bottle barista, to feed a kid who never seems to get full. She hardly has time to shower, she put hemorrhoid cream on her toothbrush instead of Crest and didn’t even notice the taste because she’s so sleep deprived and she basically can’t tell if it’s night or day. She now judges time by how many bottles are left in the fridge and how many diapers the baby has been through. So yeah, condoms and your sexual needs are the last thing on her mind. Her body is still kind of reeling from the trauma of carrying and birthing a child and that shit takes time to snap back (screw you if you were back in a bikini 5 minutes later btdubs). I mean she just evicted a baby from her womb and she’s entitled to keep that door shut no matter what timeline the doctor gives. So be compassionate, and tell her what a badass she is and how you are in awe of her as a mother and offer to let her sleep in … because that’s the shit that will eventually get you laid.
My wife is still carrying a little holiday weight, and it’s almost summertime. How do softly and gently nudge her to workout a little more often?
– Craig, Vancouver
Pete: Yeah, so first thing’s first is to stand up right now. Stand up straight and tall and proud. And then go ahead and tilt your neck down and look towards the floor. If you’ve got a gut protruding out from the midsection area that is blocking the ability to see your junk or even your toes … shut the fuck up and hit the weights yourself, homie (you know, that whole stones and glass houses thing). Now, if you’ve got that body like The Rock and you need to get the wife looking more like J-Lo, then try putting some of the onus on yourself, as well. Nothing works better than working as a team. Suggest some ways for both of you to get active. Find some ways to encourage more healthy meal prep as a couple – make it a cute little date night. If you can work together on this, you’ll be more likely to stick to your routine and to eventually reach your goal.
Rachel: Can I get an amen for the FIRST part of Pete’s answer? If you want to keep your manhood in tact, back off. She knows she’s carrying extra weight … trust me. And while I am all for honest communication, this is a slippery slope. If she brings it up, that’s one thing … and your first response should be, “you are perfect” followed by …”what can I do to support you?” If she suggests date night at the gym, or hiring a personal trainer to get her ass in gear, or wants to take a spin class while you’re on dad duty a couple nights a week, do it. I’m wired differently, so if my husband suggested we meal prep “for fun” I’d be irrationally mad and tell him, you know what else you can do “for fun”? Sleep on the couch. I know it may seem unfair because we want you to read our minds, but the reality is, we want you to want to have sex with us no matter how big our love handles are. So make her feel sexy and desired and loved … unconditionally and she’ll get there.
Now it’s YOUR turn. Do you have some more questions for our crackpot team of experts? Drop us a line in the comments section, or hit us up on email at DaddyMindTricks [at] gmail.com and maybe we’ll feature your question in the next edition of Yo! Momma.
Boom goes the dynamite.