Soooo … Yeah, that Happened.
There I was minding my own business on a Thursday morning. Technically, I mean, the day hadn’t even started because the coffee hadn’t kicked in yet. Which makes this even more like a well-played ambush on my emotional well-being.
And then, life as we know it took a dramatic turn in what can now only be referred to as The Event.
To set the scene fully, the timing couldn’t be more Hollywood. Due to a scheduling conflict (otherwise known as only the second or third hurricane to hit the islands in like 20 years or something), my wife and I pushed our 5th anniversary back an entire week. So I had just spent magical 10-days vacation soaking in the sun in the perfect paradise of Hawaii with my drop-dead gorgeous bride. We both even had the golden “we’ve been working on this for more than a week and we look awesome” tan going on for ourselves.
It was our reward for pretty much being awesome at this whole marriage thing. And the perfect time for us to transition into a new and more exciting challenge, apparently.
Alright back to the event. So we’ve been back from vacay for all of like three days, and now I was getting ready for vacation No. 2: a weekend with the guys.
No seriously. The juxtaposition of this can’t get any better. In one corner, we have anniversary dinners, red wines and romance. In the other corner, less than a week later, we have beer, football and fart jokes.
And in the middle, we have the bombshell.
Just before my wife sends me on my way to a crazy weekend with the fellas, she’s all like, “hey, sooo, I think I may be a bit late.”
Me: “To work? Yeah, if you don’t leave now, you will be.”
Wife: “No. I mean LATE.”
Me: “Oh. Okay then. So, yeah. I mean … what … what do we do about that?”
Yeah this totally caught me dumbfounded and off my game. I contribute a lot of this to my lack of caffeine at this point. That and my mentality already started the slow shift from husbandy stuff to the brand of bourbon I was gonna sip on all weekend.
Wife: “Maybe I should take a test really quick.”
What followed was easily like 2-3 hours of waiting while my wife takes this test. See, what they don’t tell you is that even though those damn pregnancy tests give you the results in like 30 seconds, your whole sense of time has been rendered shit. I swear she was in the bathroom for like half the day.
And she came out with the news: Cue Keanu Reeves face. My wife is pregnant and I’m gonna be a father.
Now, side note: Yes, my wife and I both want kids. Yes, we had officially halted the use of birth control a few short weeks earlier which meant that at any time, kids were a real distinct possibility (I know how the birds and the bees work, peeps). At the same time: WTF … No one tells you that as soon as the birth control comes off this thing can happen like yesterday! Nope. There is no adjustment period. No get ready for this thang to happen so buckle for the long ride period. No pass through Go and collect $200. This thing just happens. And for us, that basically meant we got pregnant like a day or two after the birth control was decommissioned.
Instant analysis here: there is no perfect way for this to all go down, okay, fellas? Best way to describe this wave of emotion is to run full speed into your garage door. It hits ya like a freight train.
Then there’s the ego that jumps in as a man and says, “Fuck yeah, my shit works!” I mean, the major function of man is procreation. And when you find out that your major purpose in life has been fulfilled, you are all like, “high five on the inside, I’m a boss.”
It’s a short-lived celebration because then the other emotions kick in, too.
Happy. Proud. Scared as all hell. Yeah, that all happens.
And most of all comes that overwhelming feeling of just being grateful. In a crazy-ass world where both good and bad things happen in a yin and yang like bob-and-weave, my wife and I both know how unbelievably fortunate we are to have this opportunity. And we are grateful that this chance came so early. Obviously conception and creating life does not come easy and it is not something to take for granted. And we definitely appreciate the gravity of this awesome situation.
We also realize that holy shit … life is about to change. Like, forever. Like, shit just got real. Like, it’s time to put the big boy pants on now. My wife is pregnant … like for real. And I’m gonna be a dad. Time to get ready for this wild ride called parenthood. No turning back.
Back to reality. Back to my wife, who is standing in the hallway with this magic stick of life-changing moments – they should totally put that on the packaging – and she’s going through those same emotions.
And here’s the beauty of it all: it’s almost 8:30, she is now actually running late for work … and I have a flight to catch to go damage my liver among friends and complain about football, which is so inconsequential now that it’s not even funny.
Oh boy. One does not simply get this kind of news and then peace out for like 4-5 days. But, that’s how we’re gonna have to play this one.
It’s one big embrace. One big reassurance that we’ll be okay. One big commitment to each other than this is going to be awesome.
We’re going to be parents.
And then it’s off to the airport.