There I was, sitting on the couch and watching some questionable television programming while taking a moment to cuddle with my favorite little creation, enjoying a moment of daddy-daughter time after she enjoyed a big bottle for lunch. Everything is grand. Everything is this warm and fuzzy and awesome lovable moment. Until things start filling literally warm. And wet. And the foul stench of bantha fodder begins to rule the air

Yes, my friends. It happened. I got shitted on. My daughter shat on me. Human fucking feces worked its way out of her diaper and onto my pants like a Tomahawk missile finding its laser-guided target. How the hell did we arrive here? What the ever living fuck?

There are so many joyous and wonderful things to expect as the newness of fatherhood and parenting evolves into a day-to-day experience in the molding of a young infant into a full-fledged adult. There’s the first smile. The first crawl. The first laugh and coo. And even the first words that pop out – hopefully not of the horrifying foul-mouth variety.

But much like that of the ways of The Jedi, there is a balance – a give and take. There’s a Darkside to this Force that should be the creation of fear and anxiety. With the introduction of a new person and the indoctrination of that little one to everyday life and everything society has to offer, be prepared to face an onslaught of all kinds and strands of viruses and illnesses. It’s gonna happen. You’ve been warned. Think you’re immune to the sicknesses of the common man? Think again.

Hell, no matter how much ass Superman can kick, even he gets all wilted down to regular wimpy human status when Kryptonite is nearby. Yes, I just dropped a DC Comics reference into the middle of a blog post that will mostly utilize metaphors for Star Wars. Just get over it now so we can all move on.

When the baby is born, she comes out with this teeny tiny immune system that is ready to take on what the world has to offer … or so she thinks.

Unfortunately, the world has a lot of pretty nasty shit to offer. Which means that the newborn’s immune system needs to build up in order to take on the task of healing the baby. It’s like your scrawny ass in high school before you discovered weights. You didn’t just pop out of bed, flop on some Converse shoes and crank out a 500-pound deadlift. It takes work and skill and practice. The immune systems of children are very similar in nature.

And those systems get tested early and rather often in the new lives of these newborns. Plan on this becoming a thing as soon as the kid starts interacting with other rugrats. Most notably: the introduction of school and the inter-mingling of other fucking kids. My kid recently started daycare. And within days, the shit was figuratively hitting the damn fan.

Just two days into daycare and Giuliana brought home the crud. It was diarrhea. It was smelly, running, shitty ass, non-stop diarrhea that turned diaper changing time into even more of a shit show. But wait, there’s more.

The kid was literally shitting her pants – it was spilling over the top and through the sides of the diaper and onto her pants. In the grand scheme of things, this wasn’t a huge deal because she was eating well and not getting dehydrated and was still her totally playful self. Of course, this playful demeanor was a ruse to trick us all into thinking we could lower our deflector shields and allow for incoming objects to enter our general airspace. Holy poop, was that a terrible idea. A lesson that I learned the not-so-hard-but-rather-soft-and-messy way with that whole poopy pants fiasco.

It wasn’t the volume of the act. By all accounts, it was really just a small amount of the stuff that impacted my general being. But you try getting shitted on and let someone tell you that it was no big deal, okay? Then come back and talk to me. Any amount of defecation that lands on you and your clothing is too much defecation. Needless to say, it was a shitty situation all the way around; and it only progressed from there.

As the poop started to subside, we weather the shit storm of the diarrhea only to discover that the baby had brought home yet another friend from daycare a bout of congestion. Awesome. She can’t quite poop normally just yet and now she can’t breathe well. At least maybe she can’t smell her own shit? I dunno, kids. I’m just looking for a silver lining here.

The point of the story is to simply be ready for the real sickness and illness to start becoming a situation once the kids get acclimated to being around other kids.

They share toys together and roll around on the floor with each and grab, pull and touch each other all damn day long. It’s no wonder they come home with the crud and infect the entire household in their own effort to take over the world. While the kids getting sick is a way of life, and something that you can expect and try to work around, there’s nothing worse than having to take care of a sick child while you are sick, too … all because your child got you sick in the first place. Talk about a productivity suck.

That was my dilemma after Giuliana brought home the cough and runny nose. She felt the need to share everything with her daddy and decided she’d share her sickness with me, as well. Frankly, I should just be happy that I had runny nose and not some runny shit. Again, all about the silver linings here.

While it is next to impossible to avoid any and all illnesses from penetrating our perfectly-designed viral-defense systems, there are some things we can do to prevent the trap from taking over our lives and combat some of these things from rearing their ugly faces:

Wash Your Hands
Duh. This one is pretty simplistic. Yet you’d be surprised how many people actually don’t wash their hands with soap on the regular. A 2006 study from the American Society of Microbiology shows that while 97% of women and 92% of men claimed to be cleaning with soap, the real numbers were closer to 75% for females and just 58% of males. That’s fucking gross. Do better. Especially the men in the group. Wash your hands and get that bacteria away before it has a chance to fester and infect the entire planet with whatever e.Coli shit you’ve got going on there.

Cut Down on the Cuddle Time
Kids are cute. Babies are really cute. As a new parent, you’ll just want to eat those little cheeks up and squeeze the hell out of your adorable little shithead. Try to avoid the temptation to do just that when the kids are not 100% healthy. You don’t have to banish your child to the infirmary, but you should think twice about laying on a million kisses on the face of the child while he’s coughing up half a lung.

Sharing is NOT Caring
Much like the limiting of cuddle time with the kids, stepping back your child’s toys is another good idea. And perhaps one of the most underrated tips here: be careful about sharing a spoon or a fork and eating after your kids. That’s a surefire way to buy everyone a one-way ticket to feverville.

Practice Prevention/Boost the Immune System
You already know about the importance of eating well and working out regularly because you’ve bookmarked this website as one of your favorites. So, nice work. For those Padawan learners that are new to the journey, we’ll break down in simple terms. The better shape you are in and the healthier your diet and exercise routine are and the higher quality sleep you get, the better off you’ll be in the long-run to avoid getting sick altogether.

Side note – Here’s a handy guide to learn how to sleep like a baby and get some good quality shut eye:
10 Sleep Training Tips: The Ultimate Guide (for Dads)

Disinfect the Home
After you wash your hands, wash your house. Use a good disinfectant to kill the germs before they can even get started. Find the worst culprits of the house for germ infestation: the phone, toilet, remote control and doorknobs. Hit those things early and often while the kid is sick. Of course, you must almost make sure you aren’t using some industrial-grade chemical that will end up poisoning the entire house, too. So, ensure the cleaner is safe to use around babies and/or kids, yet also meets the Environmental Protection Agency standard – usually this means carrying a registration number and displaying the word “disinfectant” on the labeling.

U Can’t Touch This
Some of the nastiest colds and bugs take pride in entering the body through the face – the nose, eyes and mouth, especially. So keep the hands away from the face as much as possible. This is a good rule of thumb to keep before, during and after a child is sick. There’s no need to be touching your hands to your face anyway … especially after seeing how few people are actually washing your nasty hands to begin with. That’s just gross.

Getting sick is all part of the game of life. It’s going to happen. And it’s definitely going to happen to your kids early and often. That’s okay. No need to panic and freak out and try to quarantine your kids to keep them away from every social event for fear of them catching a runny nose. You’re only delaying the inevitable.

The big key is to try and minimize the damage once that child of yours brings home some crazy ass bug. Follow the tips above to combat the problem, visit the doctor when the medical advice is truly needed, and take care of yourself throughout the process to hopefully avoid getting shitted on in the very near future.