If your baby-to-be’s name doesn’t suck then stop keeping it a secret.  Here’s six reasons why you need to just tell us that shit already.

1. Spoiler Alert?

Your life is not a movie, you’re not The Truman Show, and we’re not all waiting with bated breath to see how it ends. We like you, hell, maybe even love you, but pregnancy isn’t an M.Night Shyamalan movie. You’re not spoiling anything by telling us.  We’re more eager to see if it’s uglier or cuter than our baby.

 

2. We’re Not Down With Uppity

Seriously, you may be the sweetest, most humble person in the world but when you start telling people you have a name picked out and then follow with, “but we’re not sharing it,” you just became the most pompous person in the room.  Next time just tell me you don’t have a definite name yet and move the fuck on.

 

3. Maybe It Does Suck

Ok, so maybe your baby’s name does suck and you’re the only one who loves it.  Who cares?  It’s your baby, not mine or theirs.  The sooner we hear it the sooner we’ll be used to that horrible curse you just wished upon your child.

 

4. You’re Not Original

No matter what you think, you probably didn’t invent the name and aren’t the first to use it. For heaven’s sake, I named my son Edger (edge-er), yes, like the yard tool (but if you ever call him a tool, so help you God) but I found historic data of the same name being used in the 1800’s.  We named him that because EDGAR didn’t go with his middle name but pronouncing it with a soft “g” made it much more complementary…and yet it’s NOT ORIGINAL.  And here’s the thing, if your name is so original, because it’s a mashup of other names or something, it better be so beautiful or badass that you can’t not share it with the world…otherwise your kid is going to hate you.

 

5. You’re Asking For It

A major mistake you’re making when you withhold your baby’s name is that you’re already starting out on a bad foot because it looks like you care what people think (not saying you do but saying it looks like you do). And here’s why that’s bad, noob.  You can’t look weak to other parents. Weakness is a sign of vulnerability to those know-it-all parent types.  You’re only inviting them to give you unsolicited advice even more than they already will.  If they think you care about what they think, then they’ll think you need their “expert” opinion going forward because they’re assuming you hold such high esteem for their thoughts on all things parenting.  But jokes on them because you don’t. Imagine if they heard the things you said about them with regard to parenting and how you’ll never be that way. Well now you have to bite your tongue so hard that it’s easier to just kiss that friendship goodbye.

 

6. Stake That Claim

Most importantly, why you should never keep your baby’s name a secret, is that you need to stake your claim NOW. Imagine, if you will, you’re 34 weeks pregnant and so close to having that baby.  Then one of your friends gets newly pregnant and starts telling the world their baby’s name (and it happens to be the same one you chose), guess what? You lost the name!  It will now look like you don’t have an original thought in your brain and that you stole that badass name from your friend if you still use it.  So congrats, your plan backfired and your kid now has to live with it’s backup name.  Not a good start…not a good start at all.

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