In the 1984 classic, Karate Kid, Mr. Miyagi forces Daniel-san to do chores around his home and of course, like any unappreciative teen, Daniel bitches and complains because he isn’t doing what he wants. So Mr Miyagi has to smack Daniel upside the head with knowledge that he actually just taught his dumbass some skills that’ll be useful going forward.  

Well we at Daddy Mind Tricks thought it was about time we use this philosophy and bullshit our kids into believing that they’re going to be more successful in life because of chores.  So here is a list of excuses on that you can tell them why they need to do their chores.

1. Dusting

“In life, bosses and coworkers are going to ask you to do stuff that is a waste of time, and it will be, but you have to do it anyways so get used to it now and dust.”

2. Washing Dishes

“When it comes to dishes, you need to do well in school and/or college or else this is what you’ll be doing for a living.”

3. Vacuuming and Mopping

“Oh, you think animals are cute and pets are family members?  Wrong, they shit and piss all over and do not contribute to cleaning up their own mess, so here’s a mop.  Also, they make our house a fur factory, so have fun vacuuming way more often than you want to.  Life lesson here, pets are not worth it so don’t get any when you move out on your own because your mom and I are not ‘watching’ them while you finish college or move around the globe.”

4. Laundry

“Clothes don’t always need to be washed after only one use so do yourself a favor and try not to get shit, piss, dirt, vomit, and food on yourself because you might get a couple wears out of it if you’re not utterly gross and disgusting, saving yourself some time and money (which is critical in college and if you live in a major city where you have to drop your laundry off or sit in a laundromat).”

5. Mowing the Lawn

“Mowing the lawn is great practice for waiting and walking slowly in line at a theme park. The lines always seem never ending and same goes for when you’re mowing the lawn back and forth. This will help remember, while in the heat and surrounded by strangers at Disney, that it could be worse going back and forth, in a continuous line, only pushing a huge heap of metal across the yard instead. Even if it is self propelled at least once it’s going to get stuck and the handlebar is going to strike you in the stomach.  So quit complaining, you’ll see Mickey in a few damn minutes.”

6. Cooking

“Now maybe you’ll stop bitching when we’re at a restaurant and you think the food is taking too long.  Cooking good quality food isn’t exactly as simple as you thought or as quick as fast food.”

7. Clean Bedroom

“One day you will be married and either your spouse is going to want the bedroom clean or they are going to not care how messy it is and if at least one of you cares then you have a head start over your mom and dad.”

8. Rake Leaves

“In life you’re going to do things that are immediately undone, even while you’re in the middle of doing it. Raking leaves is the definition of insanity in that you rid the lawn of leaves (do the same thing over and over) just to watch them return minutes to hours later as if you were expecting a leaf free yard (as if you were expecting different results). So, you’ll be raking  again tomorrow.”

9. Take Out the Trash

“The short walk from the kitchen to the trashcan, then the trashcan to the curb, and then from the curb back to the house, allows you to think about how we are filling this world with garbage, it allows you to wonder where it all goes, then it lets you think about how sooner or later this beautiful world we live in is going to be overcome by trash. However, we can hold off the apocalypse, that’s going to look like Mad Max, longer if we just start to recycle more.”

10. Babysit Your Siblings (For the Teenagers)

“There’s no better contraception than watching kids like they’re your own.”